Deer Camp Blog

Deer Camp Blog- the outdoor column of The Bodock Times- (a satirical periodical) Humor and Hunting at the famous Christmas Place Plantation Hunting Club on the edge of the Mississippi Delta

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Friday, September 29, 2006

Gettysburg or Bust!


Gettysburg, PA> Mark Stewart, deranged mailman and psychotic truck driver, finally learned how to buy something on ebay. Of course, he paid way too much and did not find out how close it was before bidding. He bought a Gator for his father. Unfortunately, it was located just outside Gettysburg in a place called Seven Valleys of the Wolf or something, I think Alvin lives there. Anyway, it is 16 hours up there. He couldn't find anyone to go with him to get it and called me. I told him I was dying of the flu and had a broke leg, he said you owe me money. So off we went.
16 hour road trip. The bright spot was that we did get to see Gettysburg National Battle Field and even though I was surprised that it was not as grand as I imagined, I was glad I got to see it. 16 hours back. I am totally exhausted. We did not even get to stop at Miss Lindseys Pancake House and Nude Dancing Emporium. P.S. I checked every ditch from here to Pennsylvania and did not spot his deer head, Trent must have tossed it somewhere else.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

THUNDERHOOF SPEAKS!


MEGAHORN, MS> THUNDERHOOF (TH) THE CHIEF AND LORD OF THE WHITE TAIL DEER THAT ROAM THE CHRISTMAS PLACE HUNTING CLUB (AND THE BIGGEST DAMN BUCK YOU'VE EVER SEEN)GAVE HIS ANNUAL INTERVIEW TODAY TO THE EDITOR AT THE BODOCK TIMES (BT). THIS INTERVIEW IS GIVEN EVERY YEAR TO GIVE THUNDERHOOFS' OPINION ON THE STATE OF THE HUNTERS AND OF THE DEER FOR THE COMING SEASON.
BT- THUNDERHOOF, HOW DO YOU MAINTAIN THAT ENORMOUS BODY WEIGHT AND ANTLER SIZE?
TH- I TRY TO STAY A TRIM 400/40. 400 LBS. AND A 40 INCH WIDE RACK, THANKFULLY, I EAT THE GRASS THOSE IDIOTS PLANT FOR ME LIKE EATING POPCORN, I GRAZE AND LAY AROUND MUNCHING IT AT MY LEISURE. THE CLOVER AT THE INDIAN MOUND IS ESPECIALLY GOOD.
BT- THERE ARE SOME GOOD HUNTERS THERE, ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT GETTING SHOT?
TH- NO I AM NOT WORRIED, FOR GODS SAKE EVERYTIME THEY SEE ME THEY PANIC. LOOK AT BURNEY, SHOT AT ME, KILLED A PINECONE, GREG JONES, KILLED A CHICKEN IN TCHULA 9 MILES AWAY WITH HIS RICOCHET, PAUL WOULDN’T EVEN SHOOT AT ME AT TWO HUNDRED YARDS BECAUSE HE FAINTED AND LAST YEAR I WALKED OUT IN FRONT OF HERSHEL AND LAUGHED AS HE SHOT STRAIGHT UP IN THE AIR.
BT- TRENT IS ACTING WEIRD AGAIN, CAN HE GET YOU?
TH-HE KILLED MY LITTLE BROTHER A FEW YEARS BACK BUT LAST YEAR I HAD HIM SO CONFUSED HE COULDN'T SHOOT STRAIGHT. HE IS A WASHED UP LOSER.
BT- REX WAS LUCKY LAST YEAR, CAN HE GET YOU?
TH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
NO WAY, HE IS AS PITIFUL AS BURNEY.
BT- HERSHEL HAS PUT A LOT OF WORK INTO THE CHRISTMAS PLACE WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON THIS?
TH- FRIDAY NIGHT WHEN HE IS ASLEEP, I AM GOING DOWN AND PERSONALLY EAT UP HIS WHOLE DAMN GARDEN. I APPRECIATE THE FOOD PLOTS AND THE WAY HIS SNORING DOESN’T BOTHER
ME WHILE I’M EATING, AND I LET HIM SEE ME LAST YEAR BUT HE IS NOT HUNTING VERY HARD AND NEEDS A JUMPSTART TO GET HIM GOING AGAIN.
BT- BURNEY IS DUE AND YOU HAVE BEEN SEEN IN THE SOUTH CORNFIELD WHERE HE WANTS TO HUNT.
TH- I HAVE RUN BY THAT IDIOT, WALKED UP BEHIND HIM, PEED ON HIS SALT LICK AND OTHERWISE PICKED ON HIM FROM THE TIME HE GOT HERE, HE IS A NO FACTOR IN HUNTING.
BT- ANY GUESTS HAVE A CHANCE?
TH- LIKE WHO?
BT= GREG JONES
TH- OH MY GOD, THAT’S FUNNY, CANT HIT A DEER, MUCH LESS A BUCK, WITH HIS BUCK FEVER.
BT- WHAT ABOUT TERRY?
TH- YOU KNOW HE IS SO SIMPLE THAT HE MAY BE THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS A CHANCE, BUT I’M TIRED OF HIM KILLING THE YOUNG ONES.
BT- JOE NEWMAN?
TH-AS A DEER HUNTER, HE WOULD MAKE A GOOD BLIND AVIATOR.
WITH THE TYPE DEER HE KILLS, HE'D HAVE TO KILL 200 TO WEIGH AS MUCH AS MY FRONT LEG
BT- BOBBY?
TH- I ACTUALLY SLEEP IN HIS GROUND STAND WHEN IT IS RAINING, HE NEEDS TO CLEAN CAMP AND DRAG DEER FOR REX.
BT- THERE IS A BUNCH OF EXCITED KIDS WAITING TO HAVE A CRACK AT YOU THIS YEAR.
TH- MICHAEL CAN'T SIT STILL, AUSTIN WON'T SHOOT AND SPENCER FALLS ASLEEP. THESE THREE HAVE A LONG WAYS TO GO TO GET A GLIMPSE OF ME.
BT-THUNDERHOOF HAD TO LEAVE TO DESTROY DEERSTANDS THIS AFTERNOON, BUT WE HOPE TO HAVE ANOTHER INTERVIEW WITH HIM BEFORE GUN SEASON

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Monday, September 25, 2006

Paul Howell Gets Serious

Ft. Apache, MS> Paul Howell, famed braggart and shyster lawyer, had watched last year as Thunderhoof escaped, the Black Knight had made fools of the members of the inept Christmas Place Hunting Club, numerous big bucks were seen and Mark Stewart killed the biggest deer. Holy crap! All he had done was take a small buck and pay a fine. He was tired, pissed off and in shock. Then his four wheeler fell apart. He went crazy! Then an idea was born in his head that would guarantee death to the evil deer! He rushed down to his local arms dealer and Voila! The perfect hunting accessory!

Friday, September 22, 2006

Trents' Wild Ride


Bronco, MS> Trent was always being too sneaky. He told everyone that he was going across the Beaverdam Hollow to hunt if anyone wanted to go. Fine, we said, but it looks like a bad storm is coming and you may not be able to get out of there and we didn't want to go. He looked at us like we were fools and took off. He had a 1988 four wheeler with two wheel drive. He wound down the almost sheer side of the steep hollow, into the flat and found a place to park about halfway up the other side that was almost straight up also. He laughed to himself as he looked at the clear skies, those chickens are afraid of a little rain.
An hour later, a gigantic storm was pouring all over Trent. He thought he was going to drown in his deerstand! He better get the hell out of here. He got down and slogged his way back to his four wheeler. He strapped everything down, gazed through the blinding rain at the cascades of water pouring into the valley and it suddenly occurred to him that He just might have a problem. On top of that it was getting dark too. He cranked her up and took off! Downhill was easy, and he poured the gas to it as he headed up the other side.
Halfway up he stalled and the four wheeler started sliding back. He eased back and tried again, he tried again, one more time, Damn, again, he tried going out the other side. No luck. He just needed to give it more gas was all. He revved the motor, and slammed it in gear. He took off, deer calls and flashlight went flying! Sheets of water flew as He hit the upslope and gave it even more gas. No Luck. Turning around he hit the gas to get out the other side. Back and forth, back and forth. Uh-oh! no luck. It was desperation time! He pushed the throttle until he thought the little four wheeler might blow up and headed up the slope. Mud flew, tires spun, water shot everywhere! He was almost up!
Two days later we were able to get a tractor with a long chain in there and spent half a day getting the mud covered and buried four wheeler out. Trent had walked the two miles back to camp in the pouring rain. Now anyone who crosses the Beaverdam makes sure someone knows where they are and are not so smart that they don't always check the weather before leaving.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

This Birthday is Big!


Water Valley, MS> Hershel Howell will celebrate his 80th birthday on Oct. 4. Planning for this event is now in progress. It may be held at the Tearoom if we can work it out. The party may be held Sunday the 8th. The thousands of faithful readers that want to send gifts or money can send it directly to me, or send a birthday card by email!

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Bow Season Starts Soon!

Burney Howell with a nice 10 point taken by bow

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

TEN POINT CLUB MEETING


Secret Rites, MS> The annual meeting of the Ten Point Club was held this weekend at the exclusive Christmas Place Hunting Club. This is a mysterious masked affair surrounded in secrecy that involves lots of secret deer stuff that only members of the elite club can know. Everyone wears Indian and deer headdresses and costumes. Some of the jealous non member wanna-be yokels get confused.

The Big Chief Hershel called the meeting to order
Secretary Trent read the minutes in his clever new camo. Members loved it and begged for him to come by their stand.


The bar was opened.
The floor was open for ideas and debate


Between drinks and cigars Paul made a motion to expel Mark Stewart from the camp for killing the biggest deer last year. There was a close vote, but the nays took it after several members remembered who killed the smallest deer last year.

Rex made a motion to declare Thunderhoof a national treasure and no one allowed to shoot at him except Bloggers. After chants of DEATH TO THUNDERHOOF, DEATH TO THUNDERHOOF and beer cans thrown at Rex, he was voted down. He swore a blog oath and sat down.


Burney wanted the Point Stand, and Pond Stand off limits to everyone but him so that he could hunt the Black Knight. Much laughter and hoots met this request and he was voted in as the outside cook and bottle washer again.

Trent made a motion to kill anyone wanting to hunt on the property besides 10 point members, a motion was made to put him in a mental ward but was never voted on.
He then tried the No women and No dogs B.S. but nobody listened as usual. He did manage a no Muslim ban and open season on any spotted on property.

Much business was done as everyone not in the Ten Point Club was assigned as deer skinners and camp cleaners (again). Secret plans were put into effect to keep a guest from killing a deer as usual.
Women with big hooters and hot bodies were discussed at length.


Terry (guest) wanted the Indian Mound to hunt and this was greeted with outright rude cries of DEATH TO GUEST from Secretary Trent. Others asked what the hell was he doing there anyway when he should be out selling chocolate bars.

About this time several of the minions assigned to park cars tried to sneak into the meeting in costume.
The meeting was stopped as Mark burst through the door and demanded to be let in the club for killing the biggest deer last year. After everyone quit laughing a 100% thumbs down vote was taken.

Mr. Jones staggered in and wanted to be in the club because, hell he saw a 10 point last year and had missed at least one, plus all the cool people were in the group and got to drink whiskey, smoke cigars and watch secret videos. He was told that not only was he imagining things, he was blind and crazy too.


They were unceremoniously thrown out while the group drank whiskey, smoked cigars and watched hunting tapes and X-rated movies for the next hour.

Bobby kept peeping in the window.


All rules were left as they were for the upcoming year. (No Paul rules were made unfortunately) The infighting for hunting areas was minimal this year and no shootings or stabbings occurred
After congratulations all around and splitting of their oil money the meeting was adjourned.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Relaxing, Finally!

Hard time, MS> The members of the famous Christmas Place Work Club finally completed all of the disking and planting to feed those damn ungrateful deer this weekend. Afterwards we sat and listened to the end of the ballgame (bad) and relaxed as the sun went down. This is always the best part of the day.

Friday, September 15, 2006

I'm Pretty Damn Lucky!!!!!!!!!

P. S. Don't tell anyone but Denise (Hollywood Babe) thinks I look like Jude Law.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

More Cheerleaders!

Sarah and the Water Valley Junior High Cheerleaders 2006

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Squirrel Camp Letter

Subject: Christmas Place Annual Squirrel Hunt ............9/13/2006

Dear Squirrel Hunters,

Get ready for our fun weekend at the Christmas Place! Try to come Friday if possible, and make sure to bring a sleeping bag and shells. If you hunt Hillside, you will need steel shot. (#4’s work well) If you have a four wheeler, bring it and we will have rides after the hunt. We may have some doves in the cornfields, so bring dove shot if you want to try them. Bring fishing gear if you want to try fishing. Some may want to sit around and nip, so be sure to bring a nip too!

The season opens October 14, and we are looking forward to a good hunt. The menu
and designated cooks are listed below, Come hunt and have a good time!

Friday night meal – fish, boiled corn, baked potato, Idaho salad, hush puppies on paper plates
Roy Stevens-Joe Newman-Hershel Howell
Roy and Joe are furnishing the fish and corn with the camp furnishing everything else.

Saturday and Sunday morning before the hunt- sausage and biscuits, nic nacks on paper plates, coffee and milk.
Baxter Jones-Sam Goodwin-Greg Jones.
The camp will supply paper plates.

Saturday noon- Boston Butt Bar-B-Q and buns, Idaho salad on paper plates.
Burney Howell-Hershel Howell
The camp will supply everything.

Saturday night- Turnip greens, baked sweet potatos, Jalapeno corn bread (thanks for the corn bread Mary Lou Jones) squirrel and dumplings on regular plates.
Roy Stevens- Hershel Howell-Baxter Jones

Soft drinks, nic nacs, and hors d’oeuvres are to be supplied by Rex and Paul Howell

I hope this menu will be satisfactory for everyone. Please call if you want a change.
473-2499.

See you at camp Friday October 13

I am ordering permits for those hunting on Hillside Reserve.

Hershel

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Coons Gone Wild!

Water Valley, MS> Erin Howell made her cheerleading debut Friday night.


Monday, September 11, 2006

Remember 911

New York City, NY> Today after many memorials for the fallen, the President gave a short and to the point speech

Friday, September 08, 2006

What Really Happened in Florida?

Sandestin, FL> I received an email from Mark Larson and Bill Howard saying that my recent article about our golf match may have been embellished, misleading, and that I was a lying, rotten S.O.B. These uncouth losers then sent an email reminding me of Pauls' real golf game.

Howard will send the photo. on friday afternoon we were playing the Raven course at Sandestin, hole #14. dogleg left. Paul is going to go over the corner of the pond to take off a little yardage. hooks drive in water. reloads, aims further left. nothing to lose. hooks ball in water. reloads with lots of snickering, laughing, etc.AIMS FURTHER LEFT. 3rd ball in water. water level has risen so much, Sandestin golf management has to open a small dam. finally places tee shot # 4 in fairway. smooth 12 on the hole. Final hole of weekend. I chipped in for birdie to beat his ass for 3rd 18 hole round of weekend. Paul falls to his knees, ruined a pair of pants. shit in pants, grass stain on knees. chewing nails and spitting tacks. I have the 3 $5 bills framed. they all smelled of mold. MAL


Paul paying off!
I should have realized my superior golf skills really won our match against them!

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

A Royal Butt Kicking

Mark Larson, Bill Howard, Rex Howell

Augusta, MS> Paul (Long Ball) Howell had made a bet and set up the match before he even called Rex (Hot Putter) Howell. He wanted to play his two closest friends and bitterest golfing rivals at the Yalobusha Country Club. In the conversation, he casually mentioned that our rivals had been playing every damn day. Yikes! Rex still had the shanks and he knew Paul wasn't any better.
The day arrived and we met Bill (Wiffleball) Howard (billionaire playboy) and Mark (3 putt)Larson (retired gazillionaire) at the club and teed off. A hard match that had us down three at the turn. A long birdie and a par tied us up on the back and Paul and Rex got stronger as the two losers we played fell apart. Slam, Bam, Thank you ma'am and we were victorious!
You should have seen the stunned look and the scramble for money to pay the bet. Priceless! As they say. You know how humble Paul is in a situation like that. Mark and Bill will hear about this all winter.
Paul Howell and Rex Howell- The Winners!

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Team Blog says Happy Labor Day

Doves Don't Get Memo


Lost Horizon, MS> The annual dove hunt at the lonely Christmas Place Hunting club went as expected this year. Obviously the doves did not get the memo to show up Saturday morning. This shows how evil, and despicable the doves are. Luckily by 9:00AM, Hershel had beaten us all into the fields to work. (for Hershel)We got the Graveyard, Indian Mound and everything across the Beaver Dam disked and planted. This was important in case of rain that would make it impossible to get back into these areas before deer season. Joe "Tractorman" Newman was there with his tractor to help. Thank you! A long, hard, tiring day with no doves, but a good days' work done.

Friday, September 01, 2006

THE ENEMY


sneaky, vicious, will crap on you as it flys over, wears gray (obviously a rebel partisan), lands in trees behind you, coos at you in it's hateful voice, flys like a demon, won't hold still so you can blast it, uses it's color to hide on ground and attack you, causes you to waste shells, these evil creatures must be destroyed!