Deer Camp Blog

Deer Camp Blog- the outdoor column of The Bodock Times- (a satirical periodical) Humor and Hunting at the famous Christmas Place Plantation Hunting Club on the edge of the Mississippi Delta

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Thursday, November 30, 2006

News, Notes and Nuts

Cold Rain, MS> It is a tough job being a famous blogger. Emails continually cover my desk asking questions about the famous Christmas Place. These emails are usually under three categories.
1. When are you going to take an ax handle and beat some sense into your older brother?
2. Are you going to kill Paul before Christmas?
3. Please tell us more about Thunderhoof!
To let our loyal readers know--- I am working on it!

In other news, the Christmas Place has rules that follow state regulations. Every member can kill three bucks, they can also take up to 5 does. Paul can not stand this (especially when his killing blood is up), but he has a new strategy on how to take home more big horned deer without breaking the rules.

Does anybody want a deer drumstick?

P-Willie wins the Conerly Trophy!

That Trigger hates a damn coyote!





If you see this in the woods, be very quiet or be a really, really good shot!

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

A Simple Mans' Success Story

Mental, MS> I talked to Paul today about muzzle-load hunting. He is still chomping at the bit to shoot a big ole mule! He also reminded me that he is bringing Terry Cutrer to camp. Terry is an interesting fellow in a bug sort of way.
He has also killed two giants bucks on the famous Christmas Place. This is the story of how this mighty hunter took one of those giant deer.
Terry got to the stand early and unpacked his binoculars, daylight was coming and it was a beautiful day. He finally located a bullet and managed to get it in the rifle without shooting himself, lifted the binoculars and took a look around. The first thing he spotted was a hawk, heading for it's roost on the upper lake. It zipped around him a couple of times and was gone. What a great morning! He looked at the trees, he looked at the clouds.
Uh-Oh! He heard walking! A big raccoon ambled across the small field. Man! Those things look ferocious! he thought. Later, he fell asleep but was awakened by a caterpillar on his leg. He got his binoculars out and watched
it crawl around for awhile. He was having a great time! This deer hunting was fun! He looked around for some more things to focus on. A big grasshopper was on a limb,he put the lens up against it and counted his legs. He leaned back and whistled for awhile. Yawned, ate a candy bar, looked down the barrel of his rifle, slept a little bit. He was warm and cozy. Suddenly, an eagle swooped right by his head. Wow, that thing was big! He wondered, maybe it was a condor? Nah, he grabbed his binoculars and got back into hunting. He saw a bird, and a butterfly, slept for awhile until he was interrupted by the sound of heavy footsteps. A huge megabuck was standing 20 yards from him! He looked at it through his binoculars. Wow! It was big too! He found his rifle hanging on a nail, checked to make sure it had a bullet in the damn thing. The huge buck was munching grass like a cow at 15 yards, oblivious to the idiot in front of him. He looked through the scope and counted the horns. 8. He counted them again to be sure. Terry took the safety off, aimed, aimed and BA-LAAMMM! The deer fell in it's tracks. Here is a picture of the 240 lb. monster.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Survival In the Wild

This is a link to Popular Mechanics that gives good survival skills in case of emergency in the wild. Remember, try never to panic! Read up on it, it could save your life or just give you some ideas on what to take into the woods while hunting

Trents' Hard Strategy

Gunpowder, MS> Trent Howell ( Shyster, Grinch and Judge for Water Valley) was very quiet during the first deer season. He griped, but it was mostly under his breath.
He hunted different places, kept quiet and ending up leaving early. He was in an upbeat mood the whole time. Why? He has a new strategy that he thinks is guaranteed to get him a giant buck. While everyone else in the country has to work for the next two weeks (Except Paul) he is finally going to get into hunting with a muzzle-loader.
He has a new .50 caliber muzzle-loader and the absolute run of the famous Christmas Place for the next two weeks. He is in hog heaven.
Meanwhile, my other crooked lawyer brother calls and asks how I'm doing. He laughs and brags and makes suggestions of places for me to go hunt. He is just chock full of information that no one wants to hear. He also gives helpful suggestions on how everyone should act, and what they should do up here in Water Valley. I grit my teeth and listen to his blather. After we talk, he always repeats his motto.

Monday, November 27, 2006

A Thanksgiving Nightmare

Seven Hells, MS> I watched in horror as Paul Howell stood at the hanging pole with his arms covered in blood as the huge crane lifted Thunderhoof and draped his massive body over the 12 foot high steel crossbar. The gigantic antlers stilled splayed across the ground as Paul sang and danced around the tremendous corpse. "Look at the pole! Who's the greatest deer killer of all time? ME! HAHAHAHAHAHA!" He grabbed a machete and cut the huge beasts' throat and rivers of blood spewed forth. He stamped his feet up and down as blood filled his boots."He's Dead! I'm the greatest! ME! BWAHHH-HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" I was frozen as his evil laugh kept ringing in my ears. Ringing. Ringing. Ringing. The alarm clock finally woke me. I was covered in sweat from the terrible nightmare. Little did I know that a new nightmare was about to begin.
I headed to camp Wednesday afternoon, shaking off the terrible dream, in time to hunt that afternoon. Arriving I found that Paul and his crew had been hunting for several days and his daughters (Haley) boyfriend had already killed a deer! He killed it off my stand! I hadn't even had a chance to hunt there! I was devastated.
Enrico is a nice guy. He is a Mexican with a broken leg from soccer. I was gracious and congratulated him. Resisted the urge to kill my brother and got ready to go hunting. If a crippled Mexican can kill a deer, they must be running everywhere!
Of course that afternoon I had to put all Pauls kids on stands while he disappeared into the woods. Made it to my stand late and settled in. A few young deer finally emerged into the green field. I just knew the big buck was not far behind. Suddenly, BOOM! A single gunshot from Pauls' direction. OH, S##T!! I knew my hunt was over and the nightmare had begun. Here is a picture of the nice 8-point he took from the Eastgate area. Everyone hunted hard the rest of the holiday weekend and several bucks were seen but no one was able to blast them. Enrico and Michael got two young deer from the North Cornfield Stand The Thanksgiving meal was excellent as we hunted Thursday morning and enjoyed the feast early that afternoon. Wanda supplied a mouth-watering Turducken and did not have to kill a single person in the kitchen. Hillary and Haley helped set the meal also and were excited about the trip to New York they were about to leave for.! Everyone ate till they were stuffed. I think Mom ate a whole pie! It was relaxing and fun to be together for Thanksgiving. The Howells have a lot to be thankful for. We get mad or rib each other pretty hard, but hunting keeps our families together. To top it off the OLE MISS REBELS finally won a game against our hated in-state rivals by a final score of 20-17. Thank God! It has been a long season. All in all, a great Thanksgiving holiday and we can't wait to get back down there and get after the deer. Muzzle-load season is next and then the famous Antler Bowl during Still Season. Phewww! Thunderhoof is still out there, and I have a bullet with his name on it.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Something Sneaky...

Diabolical, MS> After getting skunked last weekend, I have finally figured out how to get that evil varmint, Thunderhoof. I am going to build a Goldberg Machine My calculations have determined that all I need is a piece of cheese, a piece of rope, a big net, a fishing pole, a rubber band, assorted mouse traps, and a knife to finish him off with. should be easy as pie. Everyone knows that that damn Thunderhoof loves cheese! When I'm through, he will look like Swiss cheese.
Meanwhile, my brother (the evil coast lawyer) is hunting right now. Strange that he doesn't have a damn job all winter. Anyway, he is smiling and laughing about something. Said he recently located a really good place, looks like a deer highway. I am sure he is on one of my best stands right about now, aiming at a giant buck. Curses! Having a creepy millionaire brother is horrible. Maybe he will blast one of those routine 6-points by mistake. The camp can use the fine money. Hey, maybe he will get eaten by a wild hog! We can only hope.
My other brother, Darrell, (Trent the Lonely) who is another damn lawyer, is in the middle of having the Deer Hunter Blues. No matter where he hunts, it is the wrong place. Trent is creeping from stand to stand seeing nothing. He spends his time trying to think like a deer. This is ridiculous. Everyone knows that lawyers are too closely related to sharks to ever think like a deer. Soon he will be asking to borrow Marks' secret book. I do want to get a picture of that event! TOO DAMN BAD.
Hopefully, once I get Thunderhoof on the hanging pole, my true stature as the Buckmaster will be forever remembered. Reminds me of a Thanksgiving not to long ago when I put this big hoss on the pole!

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Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Editor's Sanity Questioned

Whitfield MS: It has been mentioned recently that the current editer Rex (Ghost and the Darkness) Howell may be suffering from a newly named disorder called Buckus Maximus Feverosus Dementia. State officials say that symptoms include but are not limited to
A. Delusions of Grandeur
B. Shaking and quivering when discussing bucks
C. Lack of trust among usual friends and aquaintances
D. Complete distrust of all immediate family members [including children]
E. Spending hours in a fetal position mumbling about Thunderhoof
F. Walking around camp in high heels with his underwear on his head
E. Accusing Old Scratch of posting annonymous comments detrimental to his perceived deer hunting prowess
F. Scoring a 0 on the buckameter
G. Hanging pole envy

Discussions have begun as to what the cure may be. One thing however is certain Mrs. Scratch is very protective of Old scratch. Speaking from experience I would not tick this nice lady off.That's a bomber she's flying!!!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving Deer Day!!

Hungry Pilgrim, MS> The Howell Clan is packing up and heading to the famous Christmas Place for our annual Thanksgiving. The Howells' are mostly thankful that they get to hunt for four days without being bothered. The men spend four days hunting and drinking whiskey while the women take care of everything, especially the gigantic feast on Thursday afternoon. Wanda usually brings a giant Turducken and all the trimmings.
This year we are having a twist on turducken, we are having
*************THANKSGIVING MENU************
TURDUCKHOGALLIDEERDILLOWHEN
THIS RARE DELICACY IS SPENCER, ERIN AND SARAHS FAVORITE.
TAKE ONE OF THE TURKEYS DAD SHOOTS, STUFF IT DOWN THE
MOUTH OF A DUCK, TAKE THE DUCK AND SHOVE IT UP A WILD HOGS BUTT, TAKE THE HOG AND STUFF DEEP INSIDE AN ALLIGATOR, BE CAREFUL HERE!, TAKE THE ALLIGATOR AND STUFF IT INSIDE A BIG HORNED DEER, (REMOVE HORNS FOR COOKING) CRAM INSIDE AN ARMADILLO, THEN TAKE THE WHOLD GIANT THING, GRAB A CHICKEN AND FORCE IT DOWN IT’S THROAT. COOK AT 500 DEGREES FOR EIGHT HOURS.
BE CAREFUL CUTTING, IT COULD EXPLODE.
SIDE DISHES WILL BE GREENS, TOMATOS, GREENS, ARTICHOKES AND GREENS. WE WOULD HAVE VENISON (DEER MEAT) IF WE HAD ANY HUNTERS WORTH A DAMN IN OUR CAMP!
VISITOR NOTESGUEST LOOKING TO COME TO THE CHRISTMAS PLACE ARE EXPECTED TO HELP WITH COOKING, CLEANING, PUTTING UP STANDS FOR PAUL, STAYING THE HELL AWAY FROM TRENT AND NOT KILLING ANY DEER.
COOKING NOTES
IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE, STAY THE HELL OUT OF THE KITCHEN. WANDA IS LIKE A MAD RED WASP WHILE SHE IS PUTTING THE MEAL TOGETHER. A DASH OF SPICES, A DRINK OF SHERRY, A DASH OF PEPPER, A GULP OF WINE, SHE HAS A GIANT WOODEN SPOON THAT SHE WHACKS PEOPLE WITH TO GET THEIR ATTENTION (IF THEY ARE NOT MOVING FAST ENOUGH TO SUIT HER). I PITY THE FOOL THAT STEPS TOO CLOSE TO THE KITCHEN.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Youth Hunt--- Great Success!!

Midget Gunmen, MS> The Christmas Place was blazing with gunfire for the Youth Hunt weekend. It was a tremendous amount of fun with Austin and Michael Howell getting their does. There were more bullets flying; and even though Spencer did not get his hog, Rex and Spencer became known as the Coyote Killers! Them Cones were there too! Troy and his son Hunter almost ran out of bullets. No deer, but a great time!Here is a picture of the whole lot of them, hoopin' and hollering for Thunderhoof!

Opening Weekend------ Pitiful

Lonesome Doe, MS> The absolute worst opening weekend in the history of the famous Christmas Place.
Doom, Despair, and Agony on Me-
Deep Dark Depression Excessive Misery-
If it weren't for Bad Luck, I'd Have No Luck at All-
Doom, Despair and Agony on Me!

No bucks were taken this weekend and no big bucks were seen. Austin took a crack at a buck Friday afternoon that he wounded and it escaped. This set the mood for the rest of the weekend. Nothing! Paul Howell (aka- Mr. Boone) was terribly upset that he hadn't killed a giant buck by 7:00 AM Saturday morning and was grouchy and mean the rest of the weekend as he staggered from field to field trying to pop a cap in a giant deer. Trent Howell (aka- Mr. Crockett) had more self restraint and held his temper till 7:14 AM at which time he went ballistic because he hadn't killed a trophy buck. Here is a picture of him totally dejected.You know that neither of these geniuses ever get to hunt. To top it off, the Rebels lost in overtime to that damned LSU in one of their best played games in the last five years. Crap!! The only saving grace for the whole weekend is that Drew Stewart became buck eligible by taking a nice doe off of the Cheeseburger Stand. He saved the whole weekend from being a total disaster! The Stewarts are now at the top of the food chain! We had some good hunts and saw a lot of deer but old big boy just did not cooperate. I guess I will just have to do something sneaky!

Friday, November 17, 2006

FRIDAY- Deer Eve!!!!

Nuthouse, MS> Finally. it is Deer Eve! As you can see I have all my stuff packed and ready to go. This train is about to pull out. As the song says
All my bags are packed,
I'm ready to go.
My .270 is waiting outside the door.
Gonna sneak off without kissing you goodby!
I have my eye on a secret place that nobody knows about. It is chock full of big deer sign. Shhhh!!! Don't tell Paul or Trent. Number One has a 10 point running loose that Greg and Drew can't kill, and I know that the big deer at the Double WhiteOak is too much for Michael. Hell, I may get my limit this weekend! Yes, everythings packed up. I have my trusty rifle, all my hunting clothes, camo and deer scents, even have my camo hat and field glasses. Don't want to shoot a six point accidently like Paul you know. Got my hot deer hunting video to study late tonight. Got my grunt call to blow at the screen if the action gets too intense. I better bring extra bullets! The whole town is starting to close up as everyone leaves for their camps. My damn brothers are already gone, and Dad left about daylight. The kids won't sleep tonight, but neither will the adults. The forecast is clear, cold and still. I am expecting the best deer season we have ever had. See you at the pole in the morning!

Thursday, November 16, 2006

THURSDAY- Down To 2

PAUL HOWELL WORKS VOODOO!
JIMJAM, MS> PAUL HOWELL , RICH COAST LAWYER ,CRY BABY AND WANNA-BE HAS BEEN SEEN MAKING SEVERAL TRIPS TO THE SWAMPLAND OF LOUISIANA TO STUDY THE VOODOO METHODS OF YOUNG CREOLE GIRLS IN THE MOONLIGHT.
AMONG OTHER THINGS, HE IS DETERMINED TO KILL A TROPHY BUCK AT THE CHRISTMAS PLACE THIS YEAR. ODDS ARE THAT HE IS WASHED UP AND A LOSER. HE SCREAMED “NO MORE ROUTINE 8 PTS AGAIN THIS YEAR” AND IMMEDIATELY THE CURSE WAS UPON HIM (AGAIN) AND NO VOODOO IS STRONG ENOUGH TO CHANGE IT UNLESS HE CAN MILK THUNDERHOOF AND DRINK IT UNDER A FULL MOON. NO MAN HAS EVER LIVED WHO TRIED THAT.
SO PAUL , IS DOOMED ONCE AGAIN, EVEN THOUGH HE IS PRACTICING HIS CHANTS AND MANTRAS AND QUITE WILLING TO SACRIFICE HIS CHILDREN IF HE NEEDS TOO.
SATURDAY AFTERNOON WHILE REX AND BURNEY CLEAN THEIR DEER AND LISTEN TO THE BALLGAME
PAUL WILL STILL BE OUT THERE USING THAT OLD BLACK MAGIC TO NO AVAIL.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

WEDNESDAY- 3 More Days

Buck Fever, MS> Quack, Braccckk, Grrrr, Brrrrr, Quack, Mooo! Have you ever been trying to work and someone keeps calling you on the phone wanting to know how their grunt call sounds? Burney is driving me bonkers! He calls, he blows his stupid deer tooter and wants to know what I think. I think he is crazy! He wants to talk about where everyone is hunting and where the Black Knight is hiding. He asks me about the weather, and about acorns. Acorns? He also wants to talk about the weird dreams he is having. You do not want to know. My God, is opening day ever going to get here?
Mr. Jones is gearing up for opening day also. He is growing his yearly gray beard and researching all of his family history. He is very proud of his pioneer forefathers and has found that they were all early vegetarians. The Indians called his family that for many generations. I did not have the heart to tell him.....

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

TUESDAY- 4 Days and Counting

Quivering Jello, MS> The members of the famous Christmas Place are excited after our great Youth Hunt (pictures later). Spencer has big dreams of shooting the elusive Thunderhoof, but a new quarry was seen last weekend and he really wants to blast a big fat wild hog! That damn Mark Stewart has been calling me every day! He has a book that he keeps looking and writing in. He is about to drive everyone crazy with his new found knowledge. He kills one damn deer and suddenly he is a damn expert. Flipping through his book, spouting forgotten knowledge and being a pain in the rear. He is trying to figure what stands everyone should hunt. He gives wind directions and solunar tables and moon phases. Someone is going to have to steal that book and burn it. I am also thinking about disconnecting my phone for the rest of the week.
Hershel is not worried about a thing. He is hunting the GameWardens Box Stand. He has everything ready to go. Rifle, check, bullets, check, pillow, check. He is about as worried about killing a deer as Paul is worried about making a camp work weekend. He will shoot a deer if one lingers too long in front of him, and might get excited if Thunderhoof comes up and pees on his fourwheeler. Other than that, he wants a whole weekend of relaxation and solitude on his stand. Someone tell the rest of these idiots to quit calling me!

Monday, November 13, 2006

MONDAY- 5 Days till Gun Season

Looney Bin, MS> Trent Howell is strange. He is kind of like that crazy great uncle you have that no one talks about. He usually keeps his derangement under control till right before deer season, he loses it as the time approaches to get a big buck. Right now he is close to being a slobbering idiot as he counts down the days. Do not talk to him or ask him to do any legal work right now. The madness has a hold on him.

My other brother, Paul, is entirely different.This time of year he suddenly becomes DeerMan. He is filled with information about deer movement,strategy, hunting spots and anything else you want to know about the deer at the Famous Christmas Place. This is the same SOB that couldn't get off any weekends to help with planting etc. all year and has not helped put a stand in the woods, but now he is able to get off and hunt everyday. All his weekends are suddenly free! DeerMan to the rescue!

Friday, November 10, 2006

Time to GET FIRED UP!

Hot Barrel, MS> The members of the famous Christmas Place received this email picture from Troy Cone. This monster may be the next World Record Buck and was taken around Halloween in Pennsylvania.
The members quickly passed a new rule posting the whole state of Pennsylvania to NO HUNTING. Thunderhoof remarked "Damn, that's my cousin Cleotis!"
Another picture was sent in by Andy Osbourne (Ozzies Boy) of the big deer killed next to our property in Holmes County last year. Trent immediate became sick after seeing these pictures and took to his bed. He is believed to have a severe case of the Red Ass and the season hasn't even started yet!

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Youth Hunt is Saturday

Can't sleep, MS> Spencer Howell,age 11, is gearing up for this weekend at the famous Christmas Place Hunting Club. Youth weekend for kids fifteen and under gives he and his cousins a jump on everyone to get a crack at a big buck.
Paul is coming with his son Michael, Burney is coming wtih his son Austin and Mark is coming with his son Drew. This will light a lot of competitive fire in these young men to see who gets Buckzilla. They have all shot their rifles and are anxiously awaiting Friday to get to camp. I am sure that there will be little sleep for these keyed up boys as they dream about the Mighty Thunderhoof. The crack of a limb, the sound of footsteps on a frosty morning, and dreams of giant horns flashing in the sunlight. I am sure they will ride the vision of Thunderhoof to a great weekend for all of us.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

VOTE TODAY!!!!!!

Hanging Chad, MS> Go Vote Today! This is the most important thing you can do as a citizen of this country. I may not agree with you, but I want every person to vote. It is your patriotic duty. Now having said that, please think about who you are going to vote for.
Vote for someone who salutes our flag and waves it proudly on the fourth of July.
Vote for someone that knows the difference between a shotgun and a rifle; and they understand hunting and the future of our children.
Vote for someone looking at the future, trying to protect us. Not someone who can only scream hate and talk about how wrong we are.
Vote for someone that fights for us, not someone who wants to appease the known enemy. War is coming sooner or later, we all know it. Vote for someone to stand tall now. Vote for someone who thinks America is great, and that tyrants are tyrants, dictators are dictators and fascist are fascist. Those animals are not heroes and revolutionaries.
Vote for bravery and support of our soldiers doing a great job, and doing it proudly. Do not vote for someone who thinks it is Ok to burn or spit on the American flag. Go to the polls and vote for someone that will not Cut and Run. They are cowards of the worst sort and will sell you out as easily as they sell out your country. Vote for strength, not for continual negative back-stabbing of our President. Vote like your life depends on it.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Reunited


Water Valley, MS> After a year of lying in a ditch behind Trents' house, Mark Stewarts' deer head was reunited with him this weekend. Rex Howell cracked the case of the disappearing deerhead with his great sleuthing ability and dragged the moth eaten stuffed head out from underneath a pile of garbage in a steep gulley where Trent had hidden it. Much behind the scenes blackmail and threats of severe fines and lack of hunting time made Trent finally give-in, shine up the antlers and pretend to have just received it back from the taxidermist. Mark was estatic! He immediately called the Memphis Commercial Appeal and roadhunters from Knoxville to Southaven lined up to see the big horns. Camera hog Mark got everyone in on the picture taking. Trent saw what was happening and really being a show-off at heart, decided to bring his deer head out so that he could brag too! Here is a picture of the two smart-ass, big-headed show offs together. Not that I am jealous or anything.