Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Denise, Jody and Snakeophobia

This deal with snakes is killing me. I want Denise to go out in the woods with me in the middle of the winter, she wants to know if there are snakes. Shed hunting? snakes? metal-detecting? snakes? fishing? snakes? Every outdoor activity involves the question of snakes. Jody is of the same mindset and seems to believe that a python lurks behind every tree.
Denise also worries about snakes at home.
Close the garage door, a snake might get in.
Lock the front door, don't want a snake to get in (lock?)
Camo ran off down the hill, go check on her, don't want a snake to bite her.
I'll be glad to help in the yard as long as you make sure there aren't any snakes.
Jody and Denise do not know much about these giant killer snakes but I can assure you, they know that they are all poisonous.
Good Grief!
These are some simple things you should remember if Mark or I take you in the woods.
1. Yes, we are going to see a snake. This goes without saying, because if you take someone terrified of snakes in the woods there is a 100% chance you will see one.
2. Do not scream. SNAKE!!! This terrifies me and is annoying as hell.
3. Do not run. The snake you just woke up with your screams has a big nasty cousin just down the trail that does not like being trampled half to death.
4. Do not panic. Most snakes are just lying around minding their own business. If you see them you can ease away, go around or walk by without disturbing them. Do not go crazy and start whacking it with a stick, this really pisses them off and is when 99.9% of all snakebites occur.
5. Do not worry that the snake will get you. Contrary to womens’ beliefs, snakes are not race horses waiting to run you down and do whatever snakes do to their prey. They are not ravenous blood suckers waiting around for human prey. They would probably prefer a mouse or a frog instead of your leg. Right, Terri?
6. Wait. Mark or I will know exactly what to do when we see a snake. Do not jump on our back, making us fall over onto the snake. It could get hairy then.
7. When walking, try to train yourself to walk through the woods stepping over sticks. This helps you be quiet and you avoid stepping on a stick that may be alive. In fact, it would be a great favor to us if you would practice lifting your feet as you walk in the woods instead of dragging your feet everywhere and ending up with a bloody rattle-moccassin wrapped around your foot.
8. Pay attention and be quiet. Watch for everything, including snakes. You will get more out of your trip and hopefully not let a boa constrictor jump out of a tree into your blouse. Talking about nothing also distacts us while we are watching to make sure you don't get eaten by a cobra.
9. Take a walking staff/ stick. This helps you keep your balance, gives you a false sense of security and you can poke it in the weeds ahead of you if needed. If Mark let's you get too close to a snake you can also whack him.
10. Good-Luck Mark


Anonymous said...

Thank you Professor. I feel so much safer now after absorbing all of your Helpful Snake Advice.But what about the TWO snakes I found in the garage? Love you, D

The Hunter's Wife said...

Thanks for reassuring me that I do not belong in the woods. I even had to tape a piece of paper on my screen to cover up the picture of the snakes. And I had both hands covering my mouth as I read it.

As for #6 are you saying we are fat?

Editor said...

Mark and I were talking and I have a brilliant post for tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

I don't like snakes either. I'd be one that would scream and run. Thank heavens we don't have many snakes in Michigan. Or at least not many that I've seen.

Editor said...

all the Michigan snakes went to Ireland

Anonymous said...

I spent about 10 years with a very personable king snake next to the computer, loved to hang out in the wife's hoodie, uh sweatshirt. He had a love/hate thing going with mice, and flat out despised other snakes.

He'd be great protection in the woods if he'd stay on the leash better.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the post - NOT. Now I'll have nightmares about snakes for the next week! Good Grief!

Bob Phillips said...

Thanks for the link Rex! You should see what a .44 mag does to a snake!

Ryan said...

The thing about snakes is. If you leave them alone they will leave you alone.