Squirrel Camp Letter

Subject: Christmas Place Annual Squirrel Hunt ............9/13/2006

Dear Squirrel Hunters,

Get ready for our fun weekend at the Christmas Place! Try to come Friday if possible, and make sure to bring a sleeping bag and shells. If you hunt Hillside, you will need steel shot. (#4’s work well) If you have a four wheeler, bring it and we will have rides after the hunt. We may have some doves in the cornfields, so bring dove shot if you want to try them. Bring fishing gear if you want to try fishing. Some may want to sit around and nip, so be sure to bring a nip too!

The season opens October 14, and we are looking forward to a good hunt. The menu
and designated cooks are listed below, Come hunt and have a good time!

Friday night meal – fish, boiled corn, baked potato, Idaho salad, hush puppies on paper plates
Roy Stevens-Joe Newman-Hershel Howell
Roy and Joe are furnishing the fish and corn with the camp furnishing everything else.

Saturday and Sunday morning before the hunt- sausage and biscuits, nic nacks on paper plates, coffee and milk.
Baxter Jones-Sam Goodwin-Greg Jones.
The camp will supply paper plates.

Saturday noon- Boston Butt Bar-B-Q and buns, Idaho salad on paper plates.
Burney Howell-Hershel Howell
The camp will supply everything.

Saturday night- Turnip greens, baked sweet potatos, Jalapeno corn bread (thanks for the corn bread Mary Lou Jones) squirrel and dumplings on regular plates.
Roy Stevens- Hershel Howell-Baxter Jones

Soft drinks, nic nacs, and hors d’oeuvres are to be supplied by Rex and Paul Howell

I hope this menu will be satisfactory for everyone. Please call if you want a change.
473-2499.

See you at camp Friday October 13

I am ordering permits for those hunting on Hillside Reserve.

Hershel

Coons Gone Wild!

Water Valley, MS> Erin Howell made her cheerleading debut Friday night.

Remember 911

New York City, NY> Today after many memorials for the fallen, the President gave a short and to the point speech

What Really Happened in Florida?

Sandestin, FL> I received an email from Mark Larson and Bill Howard saying that my recent article about our golf match may have been embellished, misleading, and that I was a lying, rotten S.O.B. These uncouth losers then sent an email reminding me of Pauls' real golf game.

Howard will send the photo. on friday afternoon we were playing the Raven course at Sandestin, hole #14. dogleg left. Paul is going to go over the corner of the pond to take off a little yardage. hooks drive in water. reloads, aims further left. nothing to lose. hooks ball in water. reloads with lots of snickering, laughing, etc.AIMS FURTHER LEFT. 3rd ball in water. water level has risen so much, Sandestin golf management has to open a small dam. finally places tee shot # 4 in fairway. smooth 12 on the hole. Final hole of weekend. I chipped in for birdie to beat his ass for 3rd 18 hole round of weekend. Paul falls to his knees, ruined a pair of pants. shit in pants, grass stain on knees. chewing nails and spitting tacks. I have the 3 $5 bills framed. they all smelled of mold. MAL

Paul paying off!
I should have realized my superior golf skills really won our match against them!

A Royal Butt Kicking

Mark Larson, Bill Howard, Rex Howell

Augusta, MS> Paul (Long Ball) Howell had made a bet and set up the match before he even called Rex (Hot Putter) Howell. He wanted to play his two closest friends and bitterest golfing rivals at the Yalobusha Country Club. In the conversation, he casually mentioned that our rivals had been playing every damn day. Yikes! Rex still had the shanks and he knew Paul wasn't any better.
The day arrived and we met Bill (Wiffleball) Howard (billionaire playboy) and Mark (3 putt)Larson (retired gazillionaire) at the club and teed off. A hard match that had us down three at the turn. A long birdie and a par tied us up on the back and Paul and Rex got stronger as the two losers we played fell apart. Slam, Bam, Thank you ma'am and we were victorious!
You should have seen the stunned look and the scramble for money to pay the bet. Priceless! As they say. You know how humble Paul is in a situation like that. Mark and Bill will hear about this all winter.
Paul Howell and Rex Howell- The Winners!

Team Blog says Happy Labor Day

Doves Don't Get Memo

Lost Horizon, MS> The annual dove hunt at the lonely Christmas Place Hunting club went as expected this year. Obviously the doves did not get the memo to show up Saturday morning. This shows how evil, and despicable the doves are. Luckily by 9:00AM, Hershel had beaten us all into the fields to work. (for Hershel)We got the Graveyard, Indian Mound and everything across the Beaver Dam disked and planted. This was important in case of rain that would make it impossible to get back into these areas before deer season. Joe "Tractorman" Newman was there with his tractor to help. Thank you! A long, hard, tiring day with no doves, but a good days' work done.

THE ENEMY

sneaky, vicious, will crap on you as it flys over, wears gray (obviously a rebel partisan), lands in trees behind you, coos at you in it's hateful voice, flys like a demon, won't hold still so you can blast it, uses it's color to hide on ground and attack you, causes you to waste shells, these evil creatures must be destroyed!

New Hunting Regs Confuse Members

Stooges, MS> New hunting regulations released by the MDWPF have confused the hunters at the Christmas Place Mensa Institute of Hunting.

EXEMPTIONS
Residents who are blind, paraplegic, a multiple-amputee, adjudged totally disabled by the Social Security Administration or totally service connected disabled by the Veterans Administration are not required to purchase a HUNTING OR FISHING LICENSE. [MS. Code 49-7-5 and 49-7-9]. Residents exempt based on this criteria are required to have proof of their age, residency, disability status or other physical impairment in their possession while engaged in hunting and fishing activities. All exempt licenses previously issued for DISABILITIES are null and void.

According to state regulations, if you are blind or disabled you do not need a hunting license. If you are blind and a quadriplegic, you do not need a license and they supply the deer, if you are a blind, quadriplegic, black oriental woman with children, hell, the sky is the limit. No bag limit! yahoo!!

Members at the famous Christmas Place rushed to their Social Security office to register for free hunting licenses.
Hershel Howell reported that he was blind and disabled after missing a giant deer at 40 yards last year.( Approved!) Trent Howell was sight challenged and getting old which was shown by his shaky shooting last year.(Rejected)The Social Security people took one look at Bobby and rubber stamped his status as feeble, pitiful and impaired. Paul Howell tried to speak Chinese and was thrown out even though it ruined his dress. Burney tried every trick he knew to get a free hunting license and failed. He suddenly had an inspiration! He fell over and tried playing dead but to no avail, the people at the Social Security Office caught him breathing and threw him out. Mr. Jones rushed in, explained about the terrible shaking he felt every time he saw a buck, took his hat off swore he was hair challenged, and drank turpentine for his condition. He was thrown out even though he offered everyone a drink of turpentine. Mark Stewart stepped to the desk, said he was from Memphis and could they have pity on him. (Rejected) Rex Howell (champion of justice) watched these losers and returned to camp. Paul quickly tried to change the rules so that if you were a female impersonator from the coast you could shoot two more bucks a year. Members booed and said no and he wasn't pretty either.
It is going to be a long season.

The Golden Eagle Returns

Water Valley, MS> In 1891 the Bank of Water Valley was completed and at that time a beautiful weathervane was set on top of the building. A golden eagle that looked down upon Main St. The president of the bank declared at the opening ceremony that the town of Water Valley would survive and prosper as long as the eagle guarded the town.
For almost 100 years the eagle was a symbol of hope to the community. Through two world wars, floods, a depression, loss of the railroad, factories starting and closing, the eagle guarded the town. We always knew that no matter what happened we would survive and grow.
In 1984 the Bank of Water Valley was gone. Sold out by the stockholders. The bank building was condemned. The building was old and the eagle didn't mean anything to the people who sold the bank down the river. Soon, a tornado swept up from the south and made a direct hit on Water Valley. Coincidence? Maybe. On May 17, 1984 the eagle was removed and the bank disappeared. The town has suffered since that time. A slow ebb and loss of hope. For 22 years
the town of Water Valley has stood still, and many of our large manufacturers have pulled out.
Leaving less and less jobs for our community.
Recently the eagle was found and restored and has now been placed on the new community bandstand in the middle of the town. A great feeling of hope for a brighter future is being felt by everyone. We hope that the golden eagle will guard the town again for another 100 years. Thank you.

Who Stole the Corn?

Kellogg, MS> Hershel Howell had made a good deal on planting this year. 500 acres was planted in corn and it looked great. Better than that, he had arranged for 5 acres to be left standing in the two food plots in the bottom. He watched it grow.
All the members were happy about it and everytime someone rode by the two food plots, deer and turkeys would run out. Everyone knew that it would attract wildlife all winter. This weekend at the famous Christmas Place Fat Deer Club, Hershel decided to go cut a couple of strips in the fields for his dove hunt. He drove the tractor up the road whistling happily to himself and reached the edge of the field.
Lo and behold, all the corn had been cut and was gone! Not a stalk was standing in the food plots. The whole 500 acres of corn had been harvested and is probably somewhere in Nebraska by now. Steam shot out of his ears! Madder than a hornet, he returned to camp to find out what happened. At this time, no one has admitted their part in this conspiracy, but Thunderhoof was last seen high-tailing it for Odom ridge leading a team of raccoons pulling a gigantic grain cart.

Who is the Masked Armadillo?

NoMoWork, MS> Late at night we discuss the mystery man who appears at the famous Christmas Place Work House when the first hunting season of the year starts. Here we are working like hell cutting wood or planting fields and suddenly a strange green colored Hummer will appear and out will pop a man in camo who will walk right in between us and head for the woods. If equipment is broken or there is not enough help to finish, he ignores it. It couldn't be one of the members they are busy working or would be too embarrassed to hunt while someone else does their work. He doesn't say "Excuse me, Go to Hell or Kiss my Booty" he just heads to the woods. Who is this mystery man, the man only known as the Masked Armadillo?

Old Times There Are Not Forgotten

Old Times, MS> Growing up at our old deer camp near Abbeville had to have been the best time of my life. Being young and stupid, I didn't realize how great it was until I was grown and the old deer camp was gone. Friday afternoon on the day before the season began was always the most exciting time of the year. Everyone that hunted from Water Valley has passed through at one time or another. Members, friends, and guest were tremendously important, but we always anxiously waited for our two favorite cousins (Jim and Ed Lammey) to arrive. They were a big part of the heart of our camp. Big Jim never killed a deer that I knew of, but would faithfully show each year determined to blast Old Mossyhorns. I miss the old days and I miss him.

Erin Howell is 9!!!!!!!

WaterWorld, MS> Erin Howell enjoyed her birthday on August 6th
with a pool party attended by friends and family. The baby coon is now nine and everyone knows that all the cool stuff happens when you're nine.

Won't Be Long Now!

Important Dove Information!

Nyuk Nyuk, MS> So, we are all sitting around the fire at the famous and classy Christmas Place Wing Shooters Club when Hershel turns to Mark and says "Do you know how to count a flock of doves?" Puzzled, Mark replys "No Sir, I don't" Hershel says "Count their feet and divide by two!"

DOVE HUNT SET FOR SEPT 2

Lonesome Dove, MS> The annual dove shoot is set for Saturday September 2, 2006. Burney Howell (cook) is in charge again this year. He waved his arms and said "there's millions of doves this year" as the last dove in six counties flew away to greener pastures. The famous Christmas Place Fowlers Club is ecstatic. Paul (no wheels) Howell said "Great! another damn work weekend" Members are oiling up their shooting irons for the onslaught which should be over by good daylight. Hershel (Rockefeller) Howell said "Just don't shoot the oil derricks" and "If we don't kill enough doves, I'll spring for pizza again!" Discouraged members are sure this dove hunt will be as good as the last one.

La Tearoom

Water Valley, MS> Today I ate lunch at the new Grand Central Station Antiques and Tearoom. Years ago this was the Hendricks Machine shop and Miss Dixies Ford Place. It is now a wonderful antique mall with this snazzy little tearoom.
I recommend it to everyone. The atmosphere was wonderful, the food was great and the setting was absolutely perfect. Now, before you go to this quaint little tearoom, there are a couple of things that most of my friends should know. The first thing is not to wear overhauls and muddy boots, this is a tearoom, not Bubbas Pancake Shop and Radiator Repair. Do not ask the waitress to check the air in your tires neither. Your hunting dog is not allowed in, I do not care if he is a member of your family, and take those damn camoflague hats off when you eat. I am trying to give you ignoramuses (?) ignorami(?) some culturization. Here is a picture of the exterior.
The interior was furnished with about 10 tables with linen tablecloths, fine china and ritzy champagne glasses for your tea. Each table was named after a famous woman including Betty Grable, Marilyn Monroe, Princess Diana, Shirley Temple and Betty Davis. Denise and I sat at the Lauren Bacall table.
Men, do not wipe your hands or beards on the tablecloth, this is a no-no. Learn to drink from the little glasses, there are no mason jars available. Also, the food is supposed to look like that, do not order a hamburger or ask for fries. the women will love you if you take them there.

The Great Oil Lease Boondoggle

Total Confusion, MS> Rex Howell, a.k.a the Genius, had worked on the oil lease for the famous Christmas Place Oil Field for over a year. Everyone wanted the money, but lack of cooperation had made an easy profit making proposition into a back burner item. Then two men wearing old overalls,rolex watches and caps with sawdust on them approached Hershel Howell about leasing the mineral rights to the property. Hell, it was on then! All work stopped as Hershel debated the contract the men offered. Rex, a.k.a. idiot boy, listened in disbelief as the contract was debated between Hershel (the brilliant), Trent (the enlightened) and Paul (the brain). Much scratching of clauses and brilliant ideas were discussed between these rocket scientist until all the members at camp and friends wanted to put their two cents into refining the contract too. When it was over, these are the important parts added to the contract.
1. Trent-Keep your damn oil rigs out of the food plots.
2. Trent-No drilling or disturbing the deer between Sept 1 and Feb 1.
3. Paul-All oil derricks must come equipped with a shooting house attached.
4. Hershel-No drilling in Hershels garden.
5. Rex-We all want a rolex too!
6. Barry Weeks- No disturbing nesting eagles or condors
7. Greg- if you hit a gusher of beer, call me
8. Joe Black- (we think his ideas were written in Chinese, so we deleted them)
9. Bobby- What about my land?
10. Burney- stay away from the point stand!
11. Paul- special viewing area to be set aside so my rich coast friends can
watch the damn thing pump.
12. Hershel- all members must call me Mr. Oil Baron
13. Paul- me too!
14. Thunderhoof- all derricks must be high grade steel to that I can sharpen my horns on them.
15. Paul- I need a gold plated 4 wheeler
16. Trent- no railroad spurs on property
17. Rex- call me when you tear this crazy contract up.
As you can see, we might have a problem.

Rebel Predictions

SugarBowl, MS> Somewhere between heat exhaustion and alcohol poisoning, talk turned to the upcoming football season and the outlook for our OLE MISS REBELS. To say they were a disaster last year is an understatement, but each year brings renewed hope
Predictions from the laborers at the famous Christmas Place Cheer Camp were as follows:
Paul- 6-6 realist
Hershel- 5-7 realist
Bobby- "screw em" 3-9
Rex- 6-6 realist
Mark- 8-4 eternal optimist
Trent- "damn losers" 2-10
Drew 5-7 negative girlie boy
Greg- 3-9 hater
Terry- "go southern" 4-8
Tyler "I'm going to Georgia" 5-7
Burney- 8-4 drunk cook
As you can see, we had a host of damn pessimist in our midst.