Tuesday, February 21, 2006

DON'T BRAG TOO QUICKLY!

MY BIG SEVENTEEN INCH
PANIC,MS> PAUL HOWELL, CONTINUOUS BRAGGART AND DEER KILLER OF GREAT RENOWN FACED THE PANIC OF NOT KILLING A DEER AT THE FAMOUS CHRISTMAS PLACE . HE MOVED IN ON BURNEYS STAND WHERE A HUGE BUCK HAD BEEN SIGHTED AND SETTLED IN FOR A
KILLING SPREE. THE DAY GREW LATE AND SHADOWS LENGTHENED ACROSS THE FIELD. A STORM GREW IN THE SOUTH. MOST HUNTERS HAD LEFT THEIR STAND
AT DARK BUT PAUL KNEW THE GIANT BUCK WAS NEAR.
SUDDENLY, THE WHITE HORNED MONSTER STEPPED INTO THE FIELD. PAUL SMILED AND PULLED OUT HIS
SUPER X-RAY LASER GUIDED, SNEAKATOMIC MULTI-
FUNCTION BINOCULARS FROM THEIR SOUNDPROOF CASE. THESE BINOCULARS NOT ONLY GIVE YOU THE
ABILITY TO SEE IN THE DARK BETTER THAN A NIGHTSCOPE, THEY LOCK IN BY GPS COORDINATES,
ANALYSE THE DEER DNA AND CROSSLINK IT TO THE
THUNDERHOOF DATABANK, RECORDS AND MAPS
VITAL WEATHER PATTERNS, DIRECTION OF MOVEMENT,
LENGTH OF STRIDE, TIME, DATE, RECORDS AND ANALYZES GRUNTS, AND HAS A DOE FILTER FOR INEXPERIENCED HUNTERS. OH YES, IT ALSO HAS A HANDY DANDY COMPASS IN THE SIDE.
THE RAIN BEGAN TO FALL IN A FURIOUS SHEET AND
LIGHTNING ROCKED THE WOODS. PAUL LAUGHED.
THE BINOCULARS WERE WATERPROOF, AND RESISTANT TO ALL ELECTRONIC DISTURBANCE. THE SMALL NUCLEAR BATTERY IS INDESTRUCTIBLE. PAUL PUNCHED A BUTTON ON THE SIDE AND DOWNLOADED A PICTURE TO A SATELLITE CIRCLING THE EARTH AT 600 MILES,
CALCULATED THE DISTANCE AT 98.637 YARDS, CALCULATED WINDAGE AND DROP, MAILED A LETTER TO HIS WIFE STATING HE HAD KILLED A TROPHY BUCK
AND SENT A FAX TO THE PRESS CLEARING A FRONT PAGE HEADLINE FOR THE MORNING EDITION.
HE LOWERED THE BINOCULARS, LIFTED HIS RIFLE, WAITED FOR A STREAK OF LIGHTNING TO BRIGHTEN HIS SHOT, AIMED------ BLAM!
THE HUGE DEER REARED, TURNED AND DISAPPEARED.
PAUL RETURNED TO CAMP AND CASUALLY MENTIONED ABOUT THE 17 INCH SPREAD MONSTER THAT HE HAD KILLED AND ENCOURAGED AN ENTOURAGE TO ACCOMPANY HIM THE NEXT MORNING TO LOCATE, EXTRICATE, AND LOAD THE HUGE ANIMAL TO THE
HANGING POLE WHERE HE WOULD RECEIVE HEARTY
PATS ON THE BACK AND TOASTS TO HIS HUNTING PROWESS.
EVERYTHING WAS READY, THERE WAS ONE SMALL
PROBLEM THOUGH. THE SUPER DUPER XRAY SNIPER
BINOCULARS DID NOT HAVE THE HORN COUNTER,
SPREAD ANALYZER, AND WEIGHT CALCULATOR ON.
THE 6-POINT DEER WEIGHED 145 WITH A 14 ½ INCH SPREAD. OH WELL, THE CAMP IS $150 DOLLARS RICHER.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Loved the story. But please don't use all caps. Thanks. i will return!

baby huey said...

Yea, I saw that monster. It surely was a hoss gettin it into the back of that gator, but I was glad to help his two daughters load it. Those girls are gonna be pretty strong when they reach their teens.

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