Tuesday, March 14, 2006

The Great Tennis Shoe Caper

Hitchcock, MS> The editor of the Bodock Times has been made aware of a strange and mysterious conspiracy that started with the disappearance of a single pair of white tennis shoes. The investigation into the mystery has brought to light a bizarre and diabolical plot aimed at destroying Golf, Deer Hunting, and the Famous Christmas Place Plantation Hunting Club.
1.- Deep in a hidden room at Pepsi Headquarters (with ties to the Disney cartel) a meeting takes place between Mafia boss, Gino Hamboni (Teamster Shill), Joshua C. Hoardabuck (Pepsi Capo and 18 handicapper) along with two shady Mississippi lawyers only known as Mr. Rich and Mr. Bitch. All have similar interest to discuss.
The Capo has never hunted at the Christmas Place, even though he is from Gulfport and everyone from there has hunted there at least once. The lawyers blamed Rex Howell (devious social director)
Gino has never played golf at the Water Valley golf course or hunted at the Famous Christmas Place even though the golf club was supplied with a Pepsi machine (now broken) and blamed Rex Howell (lying 12 handicapper) and Coke drinker.
The two lawyers were involved in an expensive land scam at the Christmas Place and blamed Rex Howell (crooked real estate agent) for their financial problems.
After whiskey, cigars and handshakes a call is made to a man only known as Mr. Dew.
2.- Rex Howell (friend to all and father of numerous small children) discovers that his new white tennis shoes (size 11)have been stolen from underneath his bed at the famous Christmas Place. These were replaced by similar shoes (size 9 ½).
You know that shoe size often reflects upon other sizes. He calls Memphis.
3.-Mark Stewart, jealous 14 handicapper, teamster thug, post office employee, former guest at Water Valley Municipal Golf Links until his false promises of a new Pepsi machine were revealed., ½ owner of a four wheeler with Rex Howell (bought with $4000 in quarters rumored to have come from a broken Pepsi machine), answers the phone. In a heated argument denies stealing the shoes and suggest that someone took them for a walk. He hangs up, smiles, then the man known as Mr. Dew heads out for some Texas golf.
4.- FBI investigates a man seen hitting golfballs with an 8-iron at striking UPS employees from a grassy knoll near the Hunting Book Depository. He escapes but clues left are 2titleist golf balls (cut), a Buckmasters magazine with Rexs’ picture circled, a six pack of empty Coke cans and a new tennis shoe (size 11) FBI follow him to Memphis now joined by the US Golf Association, Dept of Wildlife, and hit men from Coca-Cola. The Dew man heads south into Mississippi. Adds littering and interstate flight to his list of crimes
5.- Meanwhile Christmas Place golfers are blamed for UPS strike, destroying Pepsi merchandise, and running a Deer Hunting Parlor without a license. Hordes of protestors (union workers) descend on Christmas Place (no one gets a cold Pepsi)
Coke hit men laugh (ha-ha). Dept of Wildlife arrest crazed land baron Hershel Howell, blame him for Kennedy assassination and littering. The USGA link the shoes to Rex Howell and charge him with erasing a scorecard, doctoring his handicap, driving a golf cart without a license. Coca-Cola hit men and Dept of Wildlife cordon of Christmas Place.
The two evil lawyers move in for the kill.
6.-Rex Howell escapes bogey forces on 4 wheeler and traps Dew Man aka Mark Stewart near Tchula after scattering quarters along Hwy 49. FBI and Rex Howell drag this terrorist off to the clink. He is slapped on wrist and given promotion in US Post Office to AB-2 (armbreaker second class) by his Union thug buddies. Christmas Place makes him hunt with Professor.
Coke hit men release H. Howell after learning lawyers refuse them hunting rights. H. Howell beats hell out of two slimy lawyers, bans them to Eastgate area.
Thirsty Eco-Crazies storm Pepsi headquarters, demand refund from busted Pepsi machine. Dept of Wildlife disappear after Thunderhoof destroys their vehicles.
7.-Rex Howell awarded Medal of Valor from Coke, UPS, and Buckmasters Magazine. along with a new pair of tennis shoes (size 11)
All of Gulfport is banned permanently from hunting privileges and J. Hoardabuck has handicap raised to 24 and given lifetime ban from Water Valley golf club. All this over a single pair of tennis shoes!

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